okay.. left with another 3-4 days to my 'N'.. AHHHHHH!!!! so stressful la.. *cries* hmm.. i need the strength nehz.. it is starting to wear me out le.. i am tired.. really tired.. Thank you Brendan!! for reminding me that when i am weak, God is strong, He is my feet when i cant go on!! i really thank God for this N161 big family.. i think if it wasnt for every single member and people in my life, in the cellgroup, i might not be able to be where i am today, like if sis. Dorcas never start to really disciple me and let me participate in cellgroup, feeling i am a part of it, i will never know i wil i still be in this cellgroup, if GraceQ and da kor haven started to change me and scold me when i am not in the right track , i might have done everything wrong and eventually backslide.. if Mel, haven appear, i would stil be unstable and have constant emotional breakdowns leading to emotional shut down maybe.. hahz.. if brendan haven be in my life, who knows whether will i still choose to stand strong for God.. hahaz.. if Elaine hadnt be a part in my life, dont think i will ever get the chance to even pick up guitar in the first place let alone the thought of ever becoming a guitarist.. wow... that is like so so so so cool.. hahax..
Let me write a letter to myself using the emotional map ba.. hahaz..
Dear jasmine,
why you been such a insensitive freak? i find you so stupid always looking out for people's problems, yet why you never ever look in to yourself? dont you know you are not as super you might think you are? i am so hurt when i see you being bury in not only your problems but other people's problem, sometime when you really cant hold on, all you do is just breaking down alone in te dark and cold room of yours, crying silently on the bed, sometimes even pondering what are the things which actually cause you to tear..i am so upset when i see you keep thinking what you are not doing well enough even when people always tell you how wonderful and how great you are..the fact you chooses to deny yourself.i am so afraid that one day you will just choose to give up on everything and make wrong decisions causing your path to be as scattered as in the past, i am afraid that the darker side of you will once again come back.
i am sorry i have been pushing you to improve so much, more than what you actually can cope with, i am sorry that i always compare you with the people around you, especially your cousins, friends and family, about how clever they are and more..i hope you can start to look on the brighter side of you, i hope you can just do your very best in every way, let us believe that when you do your best God will take care of the rest, okay?i love you Jasmine, i love you just as you are,you dont have to be someone else just to please anyone, because God and i love you just as you are..
with love from God and i..
Jasmine

too bad we cant see tears on the bloggy.. cuz i wanna cry.. so stress.. =( NEXT MONDAY, MY 'N' STARTING LE..=( haiz.. so stress.. in my dictionary now is just, stress, stress, stress, stress and more stress.. even thouh anabelle, ivan and mel told me that N is just like a minor exam, but i super stress... hmm.. i think the next sentence i say will bring me alot of people who will talk to me.. i am mostly going ite after my N le.. i have just decided .. my parents are supporting me for it.. not that i dont wish to put in effort.. but it is just something which i dont feel much confident to doing, just imagine i am so stress just for my N, how about when i take 'O', i think i will faint.. Crazy... hahaz....

maybe i should just go and check out how are the courses like.. hahaz.. yup, i think i should man.. hahaz.. okay.. i shall go and check now.. hahz. BYE~

hmmm... okay... trying to keep the blog alive as what andy has suggested.. wahahaz.. i am now at cineleisure level 9 there... not doing alot of stuff just slacking maybe?? hahaz.. .i refuse to stay at home because one of the reason is that my parents are playing mahjong with my relative at my house..another?? dont feel like mentioning it... hahaz...

Yesterday's service was so sweet la.. i was so touched i nearly cry and misses him lots more la.. hahaz.. benjamin was so funny, he and his nonsense, what "no link", "out of point" so crazy la.. hahaz.. lamer.. he was sitting beside me, then when all married couples are exchanging their vows again, he went like, " oooh, so sweet!! romantic!!" i was laughing at him all the way la.. hahaz...
I MISS JIEJIN ALOT!! hahaz.. even though i see her every week.. hahaz.. guess what? i introduced Miss Swan to Grace Quek.. she is being driven crazy by her.. hahaz...
okay shall blog more another time.. hahaz

okay.. so many people comment on my font size say cannot see.. so now onwards i will use the normal size okay? hahaz.. he left singapore once again.. on 08 september he left lohz... unforgettable. cuz all because of him i had to wake up at 6++ in the morning on holiday lohz.. reached his house around 6.44am.. was tired la.. but have no choice mahz.. we will be apart for another 3 months nehz.. who were there? only his aunt, him and me.. hahaz.. so few right?? but still okay lahz.. he so funny lahz.. at the last moment then reluctant to go liao.. we didnt cry, we just hugged and he gave a light kiss on my cheek.. he now have been there for a week liaoz.. still have to wait so long for his returns.. unfair lah.. he wont be able to be here for my birthday, but i must be with him for his birhtday, cuz he will be back ... but i think i dont mind.. cuz the important thing is about spending quality time together right? hahaz...

now, since he is not physically here with me, i shall put all my focus on my exams, N level..haha.. it is not like when he is here i cant la.. but then i will want to spend time going out with him you see.. as our leaders always say, must always place your priority right.. so studies should come first right? Lynette and i are okay le.. cleared the air, decided to start everything anew.. hahaz.. i think maths are quite tough still but yeah!! Nagulan agrees to coach me.. hahaz.. in my maths and science.. what can be more bless then having a group of people who we are sure that they will stand by us when we are in need and share the joy with us.. well i know my cg people will always be ever-ready to coach me in studying and help me solve things that i am in doubt of.. agree?? i am being guided by alot of wonderful leaders.. they do things beyond their own duty, if you need a listening just pick up your phone, ring a number and you will get it.. when you are in lack of money, cant even buy food, you see the food appearing infront of you.. not because God dropped the food from the sky.. but HE allows people to bless you with food.. hmm.. is that what people always quote? "ask and you shall be given of what you ask?" haha... oh well.. when did i become so philosophical.. hahaz.. weird me.. hahaz.. =P

hahaz... yesterday, me and him went to rollerblade.. so fun.. i broke my record.. i only fell ONCE!!! hahaz.. miracle!! mel will know what i talking about.. cuz normally my falling is always so uncountable.. hahaz..we blade for one hour then went off to parkway.. at first wanted to go kbox..
but then we saw SAKURA.. so went over to eat their buffet.. okay la.. quite nice.. hehe.. and know what? i ate more than him.. cuz hungry mahz.. haha.. maybe also because i couldnt eat dinner on tuesday ba.. suddenly no appetite.. hahaz.. poor thing.. wo yi ding ba ni eat poor liaoz.. hahaz..
then is went off to parkway shopping centre to slack le.. went to MPH.. did silly things then went towalk around at SONY .. cuz he is checking the prices.. he wish to get a laptop.. haha..hmm... after that we went to change..because both of us haven change since we left the place mahz.. >.<>


okay.... then later in the evening i going down to his aunt house where he is staying to have mee siam there.. hmm... excited? a bit.. scared? alot.. hahaz.. but have to.. not much time to spend before he comes back 3 months later.. mixed emotions once more.. one part of me wanna be selfish by asking him to stay cuz i will be sad... but another part of me wants him to go back.. to contine his studies then come back.. while i go full force for my N... haha... that is why they usually say.. human can be quite contradicting sometimes.. well oh man.. just let it be ba.. but i will be waiting for him..

i have no idea why.. but i somehow know that you will be mine.. my Mr.Right.. it is still too early to say.. but the promise you gave i am holding dearly to my very breath.. if i had to choose agin.. i will choose you still not because of anything.. just because i love you... i will be waiting right here.. come back soon k my dear!! love you till the day that i die...