okay.. left with another 3-4 days to my 'N'.. AHHHHHH!!!! so stressful la.. *cries* hmm.. i need the strength nehz.. it is starting to wear me out le.. i am tired.. really tired.. Thank you Brendan!! for reminding me that when i am weak, God is strong, He is my feet when i cant go on!! i really thank God for this N161 big family.. i think if it wasnt for every single member and people in my life, in the cellgroup, i might not be able to be where i am today, like if sis. Dorcas never start to really disciple me and let me participate in cellgroup, feeling i am a part of it, i will never know i wil i still be in this cellgroup, if GraceQ and da kor haven started to change me and scold me when i am not in the right track , i might have done everything wrong and eventually backslide.. if Mel, haven appear, i would stil be unstable and have constant emotional breakdowns leading to emotional shut down maybe.. hahz.. if brendan haven be in my life, who knows whether will i still choose to stand strong for God.. hahaz.. if Elaine hadnt be a part in my life, dont think i will ever get the chance to even pick up guitar in the first place let alone the thought of ever becoming a guitarist.. wow... that is like so so so so cool.. hahax..
Let me write a letter to myself using the emotional map ba.. hahaz..
Dear jasmine,
why you been such a insensitive freak? i find you so stupid always looking out for people's problems, yet why you never ever look in to yourself? dont you know you are not as super you might think you are? i am so hurt when i see you being bury in not only your problems but other people's problem, sometime when you really cant hold on, all you do is just breaking down alone in te dark and cold room of yours, crying silently on the bed, sometimes even pondering what are the things which actually cause you to tear..i am so upset when i see you keep thinking what you are not doing well enough even when people always tell you how wonderful and how great you are..the fact you chooses to deny yourself.i am so afraid that one day you will just choose to give up on everything and make wrong decisions causing your path to be as scattered as in the past, i am afraid that the darker side of you will once again come back.
i am sorry i have been pushing you to improve so much, more than what you actually can cope with, i am sorry that i always compare you with the people around you, especially your cousins, friends and family, about how clever they are and more..i hope you can start to look on the brighter side of you, i hope you can just do your very best in every way, let us believe that when you do your best God will take care of the rest, okay?i love you Jasmine, i love you just as you are,you dont have to be someone else just to please anyone, because God and i love you just as you are..
with love from God and i..
Jasmine